Here are 110 of the best jokes and one-liners of all time, compiled from our own selection of round-ups, and taken from the mouths of comedy legends past and present.
Best jokes from comedians
“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” – Tim Vine
“Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that’s just in the hot dogs.” – David Letterman
“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” – Steve Martin
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realised that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
“Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably s***.” – Stephen K. Amos
“I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out of Order’ sign, only ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs’.” – Mitch Hedberg
“If I was an Olympic athlete, I’d rather come in last than win the silver medal. You win the gold, you feel good. You win the bronze, you think, ‘at least I got something.’ But you win that silver, that’s like, ‘Congratulations, you almost won! Of all the losers, you came in first! You’re the number one loser! No one lost ahead of you!’” – Jerry Seinfeld
“We weren’t very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer.” – Richard Lewis
“My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.” – Phil Wang
“If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.'” – Eddie Izzard
“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” – Sara Pascoe
“Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.” – Frankie Boyle
“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” – Rob Beckett
“Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.” – Alex Horne
“A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.” – Rhod Gilbert
“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.” – Joe Lycett
“My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.” – Mark Watson
“Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory. Well if that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does?” – Mickey P Kerr
“How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?…. none. They’re not really into that sort of thing. If it’s that dark, light a candle.” – Phil Cornwell
“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” – Alun Cochrane
“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” – Gary Delaney
“Two fish in a tank. One says: ‘How do you drive this thing?'” – Peter Kay
“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” – Stewart Francis
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“People who like trance music are very persistent. They don’t techno for an answer.” – Joel Dommett
“I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You’d always get some bloke complaining that he couldn’t see the screen. It’s a giraffe, mate. What do you expect? ‘Well he can take his hat off for a start!’” – Paul Merton
“Normally you have news, weather and travel. But not on snow day. On a snow day, news is weather is travel.” – Michael McIntyre
“Here’s a picture of me with REM. That’s me in the corner.” – Milton Jones
“Someone showed me a photograph of my local MP the other day.
‘Would you buy a second-hand car from this man?’ they asked.
‘Would you buy a second-hand car?’ I replied.” – Miles Jupp
“With stand-up in Britain, what you have to do is bloody swearing. In Germany, we don’t have to swear. Reason being, things work.” – Henning When
“I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.” – Iain Stirling
“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I.” – Billy Connolly
“My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.” – Sarah Millican
“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.'” – Stewart Francis
“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall
“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.” – Josie Long
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin
“I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, ‘One minute I’m on the phone.'” – Alan Carr
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“My phone will ring at 2am and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?” I say, “I don’t know. If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone.” – Lee Evans
“I doubt there’s a heaven; I think the people from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare.” – Victoria Wood
I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
He said: “How flexible are you?”
I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.” – Tommy Cooper
“A man walks into a chemist’s and says, ‘Can I have a bar of soap, please?’
The chemist says, ‘Do you want it scented?’
And the man says, ‘No, I’ll take it with me now.'” – Ronnie Barker
“It’s really hard to define ‘virtue signalling’, as I was saying the other day to some of my Muslim friends over a fair-trade coffee in our local feminist bookshop.” – Lucy Porter
“If we were truly created by God, then why do we still occasionally bite the insides of our own mouths?” – Dara Ó Briain
“Do Transformers get car, or life insurance?” – Russell Howard
“Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. I’ve called the SWAT team!” – Greg Davies
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” – Graham Norton
“My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” – Les Dawson
“I’ve been feeling suicidal so my therapist suggested I do CBT. Now I can ride a motorbike, how’s that going to help?”
– Eric Lampaert
A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster!
I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. It came in at quarter past four.
I went down to my local supermarket and I said: “I want to make a complaint. This vinegar’s got lumps in it”. He said: “Those are pickled onions.”
A man entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.
I was having dinner with a world chess champion and there was a check tablecloth. It took them two hours to pass the salt.
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: “Oi – get out. We don’t want your type in here.”
I’m in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a year’s supply of Marmite – one jar.
I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: “Are you two an item?”
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.
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I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and said: “Did you get my drift?”
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”
A jumplead walks into a bar. The barman says: “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up for a date but she’d popped her clogs.
I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn’t find any.
Went to the doctors and said: “Have you got anything for wind?” He gave me a kite.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”
I’m on a whisky diet. I’ve lost three days already.
“Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home.” He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked. “It’s not unusual,” he replied.
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant.
Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.
Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “Really? In that case, give me a Kyle!”
I went to the doctors the other day and he said: “Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu.” So I went – and I got it.
Went to the corner shop – bought four corners.
I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Wedgie Kray.
I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a Catholic converter.
I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags. He’s bisatchel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
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A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I’m excited to see how they turn out.
My colleague can no longer attend next week’s Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.
I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.
I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen… I can feel it.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.
I recently heard about a mannequin that lost all of his friends. He was too clothes minded.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay. He woke up.
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
And some jokes for the kids
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? Because they might peel!
What do you call a cow on a trampoline? A milk shake!
Where do cows go for entertainment? To the moo-vies!
How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed? Your head hits the ceiling!
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
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What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!
Why are ghosts bad liars? Because you can see right through them!
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs!
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!
Why did the man run around his bed? Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!
What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping? A dino-snore!
Why did the teddy bear say “no” to dessert? Because she was stuffed.
What has ears but cannot hear? A field of corn.
What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells!
What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me!